Self-Less, Self-Ish or Self-Interested?

We tend to place a high value on caretakers. We esteem nurses as professional caretakers; we look favorably on mothers who make child care their first priority. And despite our insistence that men and women be treated equally, we admire women who take care of their husbands. That phrase "take care" seems to turn up a lot: "take care" of your house; "take care" of your appearance, "take care" of others. The burden of "taking care" seems to fall most heavily on women. It should be no surprise that psychotherapists see a fair number of women whose preoccupation with "taking care" of everyone and everything else in the household leaves them wondering when they can take care of themselves. Self-care appears only at the bottom of the priority list if it appears at all.

It may be helpful to think of a scale with "self-less" at one extreme, "self-ish" at the other extreme, and "self-caring" as the desirable middle ground. Personal change is something like a pendulum. If you've been stuck at one extreme, releasing the pendulum is going to swing you to the other extreme before you can end up at the happy medium.

I advise clients who have effectively lost themselves in the interest of being perfect care-takers to put themselves first for a period of time. "Won't that make me look selfish?" they will ask. "Don't worry about appearances," I tell them. "Given your nature, you are never going to be a selfish person." But in order to restore balance, it is necessary to release the pendulum and let it swing. Faced with the choice of looking after the kids so that your husband doesn't have to, finishing the work that you've brought home, returning all the telephone calls that have accumulated on the answering machine, and making yourself a cup of coffee or taking a nap, if that's what you need, don't hesitate: go with the cup of coffee or the nap. And keep yourself at the top of your priority list until taking care of yourself no longer feels indulgent or sinful but right and appropriate.

"You train others how to treat you," I tell clients. If you treat yourself like a scullery maid, the Cinderella-figure who never gets to go to the ball, others are likely to keep you in that position. If, on the other hand, you treat yourself with respect, you're likely to receive respect from others. "Selflessness" is no more a virtue than "selfishness." Aim for the middle ground of self-interest that insists, "I count."

Arthur Wenk, a psychotherapist practicing in Oakville, Ontario, combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (discovering techniques for producing immediate changes) with a psychodynamic approach that helps make changes permanent by addressing the root causes of mental health problems. Art is certified by OACCPP (the Ontario organization for psychotherapists) and EMDRIA (the EMDR International Association). Art's website, http://www.oakvillepsychotherapy.com, contains one-page summaries of recommended books on personal growth, brief explanations of common mental health issues, and lectures on parenting, the psychology of families, and the functioning of the brain.

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